Hope

I did it. I read through what I wrote just once. I was choking up again. It looks horribly written and makes me sound like an emotional wreck. I suppose I am, but I try not to show it most of the time.

But it is honest.

It's interesting to see what a fear of death like this can do. I can't see myself ever intentionally killing someone else, because what I feel about life is so strong that I could never deprive someone else of it. Obviously this does not make me an ideal candidate for military service.... :-)

Whether it's a simply a biological process or we are something more, life is beautiful. So often I want to sing just because I'm able to sing, to laugh because I'm able to laugh. I don't mind working because I'm able to work. Rolling in the grass down a hill is a priviledge we should take advantage of. Walking in the rain on a summer day has a beauty in its sights, sounds and smells that no "After the Rain" candle is ever going to match. This world is full of wonder and can be the greatest teacher in what is truly important we will ever have.

But to see all of those things we have to look.

My wife sometimes gets confused and frustrated with that side of me. I want to do dumb things. I want to look at things like a child again. I think it's important to take time for these things.

Now I'm not someone who obsesses about these things. I get caught up in daily life and hate going to work in a cube, hate not being able to enjoy a sunny afternoon, worry about my taxes and my lawn and my health insurance just like everybody else. I just sometimes get introspective and think how much better I'd enjoy life if there were more people around who wanted to sing because it makes them happy....



My friend's mom got her tests back last night and the lung cancer has not spread. She is in surgery this morning to remove the cancerous portion of her lung, and the docs say that if all goes according to plan she won't even really notice it's gone.

Either life is funny or prayer is powerful. I hope it's both. :-)

Life

I just found out my bud here at work's mom has cancer. She'll know if it is operable tonight. If it is, she'll go into surgery tomorrow to remove the cancerous part of her lung. If it isn't...well they won't be doing surgery.

I have no idea why it's hitting me so hard, but I keep thinking of what I'd do in that situation. I'd think it'd be so quiet....almost like a bad dream. I'd have to think it'd be something you couldn't quite convince yourself was real just yet. You're convinced you're going to get good news and be okay, but....what if you don't? Then you tell yourself worrying won't change things, so you try and think about something else and deal with the news when you get it. But every moment you watch the clock tick by.

I don't think it's too much of a secret that I'm going through an early mid life crisis. My faith, my certainty of what comes after life, any sense of peace I had has been tested and somewhat shattered lately. The pills help me think of other things, but it's always there.

My buddy has just been through the loss of a child as well. I have no idea how he deals. I think it'd feel like my heart was ripped out. I'd feel like the unfairness and randomness of life and death was always present, that anybody could go at any time. Most times we tell ourselves nice things to deal with that fact, but I wonder what would happen if they weren't true? The horror of this just hurts so badly that I have no idea how to live with it as it is, and if I were in his shoes I think it'd be too much to bear. Again, I admire his strength, because I am certain I wouldn't be able to hold up under similar pressure.

One of the great philosophers of our time, Calvin, was discussing life and the afterlife with his stuffed tiger Hobbes in the middle of the night after losing a baby bird he found the day before, and the though that drove them both under the bed was the big question...why? Why him? Why did the bird have to die? What did he do to deserve it? The answer just isn't there. His words were "It's either mean or it's arbitrary, and either way I've got the Heebie Jeebies."

Maybe we weren't meant to know such things. Maybe how we deal with the spectre of death determines what kind of person we are. I wish I knew. In the Christian faith, God doesn't want to give us the cheat sheet. It's easy to be faithful if you know God exists, not so easy if you don't. I hate that.

Please God, if you are listening, please help her. Please make her be okay and pull through this. Life is too beautiful to lose, and a mother is too wonderful to lose like that. I want to believe there is something else and someone watching over us. I've never met her and I want her to be alright so badly I'm choking up right now.

And if my friend reads this, I hope he understands why I have to write about this here. I'm praying for you man. I'm not sure if my faith is strong enough to do much, but I'm praying. I don't want to see you hurt like that again.

This is disjointed rambling...I know. I don't have any other way to get it out though. This stuff is....difficult....to talk about for me. Every time I try to even think about life and death I send myself back into depression again, so I try to forget.

I'm going to forget for now. I'm going to go home soon and hug my wife and eat with her. I'm going to have fun tonight and not think about it if I can help it. But it'll still be there. I just have to hope, and to try and find my faith in something.

Thanks for listening, and I'm sorry all this sounds so disjointed. I'm not going to proof it, or probably ever read it again, but it had to get it out.

This makes me sad...

This makes me sad...

What happened here...?

How did something like this happen? How could something like this happen?

Okay, a woman gets kidnapped in full view of groups of people in a public place and nobody does anything? A group of shoppers stop and watch her being kidnapped and make no move to help at all while she is pleading for someone to call the police...

I understand that I don't know all the details from this article, and I can understand that if I were in this situation I would be afraid that they might be armed. But how much does it take to note thier descriptions and license plate, pull out the stupid cell phone that you bought just in case Grandma decides to call from Wisconsin, and call 911?

I sent this around work, and my buddy Clint says it's called "mob psyche". People don't want to get involved. They assume somebody else is going to help so they keep out of it. They don't want to complicate their day more than it already is.

I don't want to sound morally indignant here (I know...I've failed miserably). I understand the "I don't want to get involved" point of view. Heck, I thought I was the poster child for it. I see a kid walking down the street by herself in my old neighborhood (which wasn't too nice) and thought to myself "I'll just hope the parents aren't too far behind". I see the kids jumping off their roof in the back yard and I do nothing, not wanting my neighbors to think I'm too nosy. But I do keep an eye on them, and if one of them broke their leg, I'd be over that fence.

This woman was begging for help, and people didn't do a thing. There were cars driving through all of this doing nothing! Are we that callous? Is this girl going to die because people didn't want to delay their shopping experience long enough to make a phone call, or maybe pull their car in front of the exit?

I have no idea what I would have done if I were witnessing this, but I would not have done nothing. Folks, we're all in this together. If I don't care enough to help save someone from being kidnapped and forced to do God knows what before they are killed, can I expect anyone else to?

(Note: I'd love to have and would respond to any comments about this, negative or positive, but I really don't see as it's my job. Besides I'm very busy and plan to go shopping tonight, so maybe someone else will respond in the meantime.)

On another note, speaking of those who stick their noses in other peoples business for their own good, I'd like to wish everyone a happy Veteran's Day. Though I do not approve of the current war, I do appreciate the guys over there risking everything in order to keep us safe, as well as all those who have risked just as much in other hells across the world. They have more guts than I, and I admire them. May as many as possible come home safely.